Tue, 09 Jan 2007 20:54:12 GMT

i lied and decided to completely start fresh. each journal for the past three or four years has things i'd like to move away from altogether.

mumblebees
most entries are public but the real juicy bits are friends only.

logan to government center

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 02:12:29 GMT

i am convinced that for every piece of bad news there is at least one piece of exceptional piss your pants news.
with that, i am going to emerson in the fall.

i'm also in california. but more about that later.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 02:07:41 GMT

here are two very definite things:
1. i miss alyssa. i miss her more than most things, because she is the one outside person who has been consistent with me since before most of this happened.
2. i miss lane. i miss her because she is the one person at home who tends to get me, and she's moved away.
these are the people that stepped in and filled sisterly roles when my own sister(s) could not do so. i have not killed myself yet for three people. alyssa is one, lane is one, and my mom is the other. mainly my mom, especially because of recent things, but especially because after i ODed she told me that if i killed myself, she'd kill herself, and that's not how things are supposed to be. my mom is my best friend.

i dig myself into a lot of holes. i've said this already. there are people that i have almost one hundred percent driven away and there are others that i have pushed away and there are others that have gotten tired and left, some quietly and some that are still loud and putting up the wrong kind of fight.

this is the start of an open apology to most. i am continuing to work on my anger. the people that have stuck with me have told me that the changes from the past few years are noticeable. i'm internalizing a lot and disposing of it the healthy way. there are times that i don't. i smashed a glass plate when i got in trouble with my parents, i slammed my head into the wall three times on my birthday. however, i am not verbalizing things harshly like i used to. please give me credit for this. even if you don't, i am confident in saying that i have improved. i have learned that when it comes to anything, my opinion is the only one that should matter.

there are people i would have fought for, but certain instances have since made that impossible. i am often left speechless at the way things have changed from the past until now. ultimately, i am happy. i can't exactly say for what because i'm not exactly sure. all things heal for the most part. i've started thinking about god again.

someone once told me, in perhaps not the best of ways, that my constant apologies start to negate each other. i never apologize trivially, i hope everyone understands that or at least is beginning to understand so now. i tend to mess a lot of things up and i am not aware of it until later. but, i apologize. and no matter how often i apologize or how i say it, it still counts for something. never discount my genuine actions. i have built myself to be genuine but i am also not perfect.

i am doing a lot to fix myself and i am not content with stopping that process. i just want patience. acceptance, though appreciated, isn't neccessary.

i am also leaving this open ended as well as incomplete. everything i have said is the entire truth but i'm positive that i have left things out, not intentionally but merely because i forgot to do so.

for now, this is public. i am putting trust in people, i guess.

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 02:37:22 GMT

Maman died today. Or yesterday maybe, I don't know. I got a telegram from the home: "Mother deceased. Funeral tomorrow. Faithfully yours." That doesn't mean anything. Maybe it was yesterday.

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 17:12:18 GMT

these tend to be friends-only and i tend to be picky.